The C word

So I proceeded as usual with my annual mammogram. And then got a call that the radiologist couldn't read it well so needed a compression mammogram. Now I have had those before- I have dense tissue breast, lots of fiber and calcification. So I was not too worried, but something niggled in my brain. And then I got the call from my doctor;s office that now the radiologist was recommending a biopsy. At this point my doctor was not too concerned- he wanted the films viewed by the radiologist at the Breast Center associated with Sarasota Memorial Hospital. So again I am thinking alright, might be something to not completely trusting the other radiologist. Always good for a second opinion. Then another phone call and the C word trip really begins. I do have to have a biopsy, it is scheduled for July 6, with the results on July 7th. So now I wait....and I have that niggling feeling.

Taxes are not the answer

1. first, I was passing it around asking if anyone knew if it was true

2. there have been several respected articles on not holding snopes as the holy grail since it is a husband and wife team sitting at home looking things up

3. we need to pay taxes in order to help those less fortunate in this country; to keep some infrastructures running that we all use such as education; water; trash pick up; emergency rooms;

4. but raising taxes has never been a solution for unemployment, healthcare, higher wages, lower cost of necessary goods, a college education

5. how about we spend time talking about paying a livable wage and what that really is; how about we talk about the fact that the largest corporations pay few taxes and the smaller companies which statistically employ more people pay the burden of those taxes

6. how about we talk about who gets to determine that $250,000 is too much income. Let's say we have a man making $250,000 a year. And he supports a wife, 4 children, one of whom has down syndrome; and also helps take care of his parents and his wife's parents. Is $250,000 too much? He is taking care of 10 people with that money, hopefully meaning the grandparents don't need a lot of government assistance; that he can save some money and his kids could go to college without too much loan money; and that when he and his wife die their down syndrome child is cared for. Why is $250,000 too much money? Are we going to go house by house and make that determination?

7. why can't we have a discussion of what is a livable, honorable wage, determine a level of who can then pay taxes, and then charge everyone say 20% with no loop wholes.

8. If my father hadn't worked his ass off his whole life his 5 kids would not have gone to college and become respectable, tax paying citizens and not a burden on others- we are able to help others; my grandmother would not have been well cared for in her old age; I would not have been able to buy a home and then pay property taxes on it to help the school district of Sarasota County; I wouldn't have a job that allows me to actually give money to some charities and still hopefully save some money for my old age. My father has supported 22 people with his money. You tax 35, 38 40% and those 22 people would not be tax paying citizens today.

So you tax him because he makes too much money, you give to a government that has shown through the years it can't manage its money, and 22 people have been affected. Not just that one greedy man who made money.

9. Let's talk about stocks and bonds and how people invest in companies to make money for their retirement. Let's talk about how that whole system works and doesn't work and why that 1% at the top gets so much of our money. But then if Bill Gates were taxed more, would he have created a company that he did; employed thousands; made billions; and now gives it away? He might not have.

10. Florida is the third hardest hit state in the country so I see first hand every day what is happening. I work in a school district where 45% of students are on free and reduced lunch. And a house on Casey Key just sold for 10 million dollars. So I see the disparity every day. But just saying tax those rich bastards solves absolutely nothing.

11. How about we talk about how we give companies incentives to send jobs over seas? How about we give them incentives to bring them back?

12. How about we become a society less concerned with consumerism and wanting more and more things? Course then if we weren't a society that keeps buying things we wouldn't have an economy- sort of like now.

when you are twenty or even thirty to be pawed by someone one 0ver 40 is to be just pawed by s0me old guy. but now to be pawed by someone 60 or 70 is just a testament to how old you are; is just disgusting; is just a moment of really, am i that old, am i that past desire; am i past life as i know it and can understand it? WHen did i cross that line of what i

know and what i understand? is that what there is- being pawed by some old guy? i'm not young but when does it all connect and interconnect? do we never gain, or do we lose all sense of reality?

a friend and i went to dinner last night and as she is eating her chicken we get on the topic of meat eater v. vegitarian. I get squemish here. I eat chicken; I eat fish; on rare occasion ham; on rare occasion beef. I gave up veal because of how they treat the calfs. I gave up lamb because their face kept creeping into my mind as I ate. Do you believe the doctors who say you need protein you should eat meat your body needs it, yadda yadda? Do you believe the doctors who say no there are ways to get plenty of protein, yadda yadda. I think the first part of the argument should be how we raise and treat our food. First off- the egg recall. That is because of greed- more chickens, less space, lay more eggs, make more money. It is not because eating eggs is bad, it is not because raising chickens is bad, it is because once again humans are bad. We take the low road instead of the high road. Next, article about antibiotic use in cows, chickens and pigs. Well if you treated them right you wouldn't need to give them antibiotics! The article had a picture of tons of piglets in a tiny little cage. WHY? Greed. The farmer wants to make a lot of money. So they produce a lot of meat to sell. And then we American's consume way too much food- and more importantly- THROW AWAY THE REST. We really buy and eat all that meat produced? We really buy and eat all that fish that is over-caught? Really? Anyway, so I have my personal struggle of eating fish and chicken; I do love the taste of bacon; I eat turkey at Thanksgiving; And I eat more eggs. Can't wait to see my next cholosterol test; but I am substituting in more Greek yogurt with its high protein content. Sorry, I can't stand tofu no matter how you try to disguise it- it is tofu. I have yoga this morning- maybe I will meditate on this.

I am so glad that it is Friday. I couldn't take one more day getting up and going into work. Something about knowing it is Friday and no work tomorrow makes it possible to plaster a smile on my face and keep going. A friend asked me to do something this evening and I told thanks but no. First it was outside and I don't do anything out side in Florida in September! Never until November! Secondly the thought of having to extend the energy made me want to crawl immediately into bed. She is a good friend and I would like to see her and spend time with her but i just could not muster the strength. It has been such a horrible week.

And there I go sounding like a winer. My life compared to most is a breeze. I get that. I appreciate what I have. So there must be something seriously wrong with my chemistry and my wiring.

Must find more literature on menopause. Because right now life sucks.

How does one advocate for oneself health wise? Three years ago I had xrays and MRI that showed scoliosis and I thought, you know, that is the route of my problem. But the top back surgeon in Sarasota, who everyone raves about, was like,no you are not a candidate for surgery. And I was more focused on the scary words of bulging disc and stuff. And the scary thought of back surgery and you really don't want them to operate on your discs. Well three years later and the scoliosis is looking like the culprit. So three years of pain; three years of it getting worse; three years and it makes the surgery more difficult, more invasive, less effective. Good god what do you do when you are older than 53. You know people say 53 is young but the health maze is confounding! And it is just me- there is no one sitting in the chair beside me holding my hand or asking the questions I can't think about or saying, yes or no that is the decision. And if I have surgery how do I take care of myself, my home, my cats, my job, pay my bills? Do I just let it get worse and then hope I die before it is too bad and all my pets are dead? Can I ever fly again if I have steel rods and pins in my back?

Ah, morning is here all too early. The medication for my back really makes me tired- it used to really help, now not so much. I go back to the orthopedic surgeon today with the new MRIs to see what he says. I have multiple issues and three years ago he said no surgery. Now opinions on back surgery are mixed. For every person I meet who it helped, I meet one person who is just as bad off if not worse. But if I have multiple issues why can't we try to fix just one? Pain is 24 hours a day 7 days a week. So maybe we get it down to every other day? Seems I have scoliosis in 2 different places now. Why can't we fix that? They fix scoliosis all the time. This is supposed to be the best back surgeon in town so we shall see. Have to go get dressed to go to the office- the one place I don't want to be. At all. Which is also why it is so hard to get up in the morning and get there on time. But you know, no one really knows I'm not on time and not sure anyone really cares. I am really an unimportant cog in a giant broken wheel so there are more important cogs to fix and take care of. Used to be I would say I was happy being a big fish in a little pond. Well it is still a little pond in my opinion but I think I am no longer a big fish. I used to feel like I was in touch with what was going on but even with websites and email and FB I don't think so. As much as I hate to say it I think you need to be out and about at night. WHich being single is not something I look forward to. Anyway- late, late late- off to work.

This is interesting. I have two followers, whom I don't know. So in a way this is just a private diary. I want people to know and read and care and yet I don't. So I don't use facebook because I don't want to defriend everyone I don;t want to read this stuff. So I guess you have to share this website address with the people you want to read it and maybe weigh in on what you post.

I have lost my footing. I have lost my way. I do not know who I am where I am or where I want to go. Where I now am is not working. Something has failed; I have failed. I am not what or who I thought I was- so not doing or accomplishing what I thought I could accomplish. Where do I go from here? How do I recover from this space of nothingness and find my footing and my way again? Do I let everyone and anyone know and maybe there is an answer or a hug out there I was unaware of into my life? I was in a class tonight that asked- what inspires you. Thought one- nothing. Thought two- anger. These are not good answers. Why did I loose the answers? How do you get them back?

I have managed to go a whole weekend in a tee shirt, going nowhere but my couch, reading a trashy novel and watching soccer. And 4 cats who seem to do nothing all day but sleep. Amazing. It has been quiet and refreshing and in some ways revitalizing to do absolutely nothing. I am now prepared for 3 days - 30 hours- of administrator leadership training at the hands of my employer. Up and at work every day at 7 AM- an ungodly hour which means I am up at 5 if I shower and do my hair. And take care of the cats. And figure out what to wear. I must say it has been easier than in past summers- I seem to wake up by 5:30 without too much pain and suffering. But if I try to work out or have a meeting and don't get home til 7 and then try to get to bed by 9 for 8 hours of sleep, the day just drifts past me. And one thing I have decided is to really try to make each day count- to be conscious of that day and whatever happens in it. Which is hard to do when it is so crammed with stuff at work; and when I am a constant worrier about anything and nothing. So, that is my challenge to myself- live the day.

Oil spill in gulf- the end of the gulf as we know it. The end of thousands of sea animals and fish. Just wait till hurricanes arrive and push it all inland- then we will have contaminated land and we will never recover from the recession. Does anyone else cry daily about this disaster? Besides the fisherman from Louisiana I mean? And then once the current takes it out into the Atlantic that is the end of it all. Some have likened this to the dustbowl of the 30s. But people could escape that. Animals could escape that. And it really didn't spread. This will just continue to spread and it cannot be escaped. It will poison the waters for 100s of years.

Wow- well no one is following me so doesn't matter I haven't posted in a year! I am now moved into my condo, painted the walls the colors I wanted. Zelda died; Riley died. I adopted Sterling who got ringworm and spent 5 weeks in isolation. Adopted Rochester and Emma. Sold Rochester- he was a biter. Then I bought Georgia- 5 year old Maine Coon- and Lucy - 1 year old Maine Coon. Fighting tritrichomosis parasite infection for 3 months. Lots of poop lots of medicine still no cure. Lucy getting spayed today. Georgia gets dental work next week. Then in August or September need to spay Emma.

I am condo hunting- think I have found a great buy- couldn't sleep last night because I am scared to death! What a commitment! What a weight! But also exciting- I could actually paint rooms the colors I want! I should be in something by September- if I can figure out how to pack all my stuff and get it moved. I can't really pack up myself with my back- so will have to hire someone to box me up!

I think people need to wake up and smell the coffee that the "fringe" Muslims do intend to multiply and take over the world-- look how fast they are mulitplying. Look how easily we roll over and give into their demands for their religious rights. In England there is no holocaust!? because the Muslims say it never happened!? In Belgium if you are in the Muslim part of the country they beat you death. And look at France- they won't be French much longer. In our effort to be politically correct we are burying our heads in the sand- and denying our Christian faith.
My thing is if being Muslim is so great, or any other religion or nationality, and you want America to be like where you came from, then go back! What are you coming here for then?

PARADE article on our prisons

Well just look at the picture they choose to use- our prisons are full of Mexicans- mostly gang related and drug related. Of course our incarceration rate is higher than Mexico- they don;'t put anyone in jail and still they all come here where it is politically incorrect to say anything against them. Give me a break- of course there are good and bad people of all colors and backgrounds- but again just look at the picture and the statistics. It is not profiling just like saying it is not profiling to say we are looking for Muslims at the airports. Little white women like me did not take down the towers!

Instead of putting them in our prisons send them back over the board and let those governments take care of them.

Stop putting drug users in prison- rather counter productive isn't it and it has been since Regan; same for those with mental health issues- prison is not where they belong- but of course we closed down all those facilities as well. So hey, maybe we are saving money by just throwing everyone in jail? Not likely. Never mind the moral and ethical questions.

To me the most frighten things happening today is not the recession and loss of credit for people. About time we stopped over spending and became a culture that actually made things we could sell elsewhere. The frightening thing is our prison system and all the repercusions from that; and the goal of a large portion of the Muslim community desire to really, face it, take over the world. And the so called moderate or non violent Muslims who sit by the side of the road. I am so afraid of the kind of America that my nieces and nephews will live in as adults. The recession is just what gangs and criminals can take advantage of and so can the Muslims. The Muslims have already changed much of France and Germany; also England; and most of Belgium. We are the infidel and we are in their sites.

I don't know, there just seems to be one small blunder after another out of the White House. And I really hope everyone is ready for their taxes to go up. They certainly need to be raised in Florida- we have no money! And we are not getting much in the way of bail out dollars. I am not so much outraged at the bonus dollars to AIG as I am to the fact that the entire plan to save the economy will not likely save the economy and instead saddle us in debt for the next 50 years.

The bail out for states

So in today's paper they listed the 5 worst states' economies and Florida was number 2. Then they listed the 5 states getting the least amount of aid from Washington- Florida. Is something not wrong here? It is bad enough that we cut one of our two sources of income- property taxes- that the governor said would hold education harmless. Yeah, right. He really is brilliant at talking out of both sides of his mouth. The state budget is in the tanker- they are cutting education yet they raised the amount going to jails. They better just keep raising that amount because education in Florida is crap and with the cuts taking place education will just get worse and we will really need those jails.