I am so glad that it is Friday. I couldn't take one more day getting up and going into work. Something about knowing it is Friday and no work tomorrow makes it possible to plaster a smile on my face and keep going. A friend asked me to do something this evening and I told thanks but no. First it was outside and I don't do anything out side in Florida in September! Never until November! Secondly the thought of having to extend the energy made me want to crawl immediately into bed. She is a good friend and I would like to see her and spend time with her but i just could not muster the strength. It has been such a horrible week.

And there I go sounding like a winer. My life compared to most is a breeze. I get that. I appreciate what I have. So there must be something seriously wrong with my chemistry and my wiring.

Must find more literature on menopause. Because right now life sucks.

How does one advocate for oneself health wise? Three years ago I had xrays and MRI that showed scoliosis and I thought, you know, that is the route of my problem. But the top back surgeon in Sarasota, who everyone raves about, was like,no you are not a candidate for surgery. And I was more focused on the scary words of bulging disc and stuff. And the scary thought of back surgery and you really don't want them to operate on your discs. Well three years later and the scoliosis is looking like the culprit. So three years of pain; three years of it getting worse; three years and it makes the surgery more difficult, more invasive, less effective. Good god what do you do when you are older than 53. You know people say 53 is young but the health maze is confounding! And it is just me- there is no one sitting in the chair beside me holding my hand or asking the questions I can't think about or saying, yes or no that is the decision. And if I have surgery how do I take care of myself, my home, my cats, my job, pay my bills? Do I just let it get worse and then hope I die before it is too bad and all my pets are dead? Can I ever fly again if I have steel rods and pins in my back?

Ah, morning is here all too early. The medication for my back really makes me tired- it used to really help, now not so much. I go back to the orthopedic surgeon today with the new MRIs to see what he says. I have multiple issues and three years ago he said no surgery. Now opinions on back surgery are mixed. For every person I meet who it helped, I meet one person who is just as bad off if not worse. But if I have multiple issues why can't we try to fix just one? Pain is 24 hours a day 7 days a week. So maybe we get it down to every other day? Seems I have scoliosis in 2 different places now. Why can't we fix that? They fix scoliosis all the time. This is supposed to be the best back surgeon in town so we shall see. Have to go get dressed to go to the office- the one place I don't want to be. At all. Which is also why it is so hard to get up in the morning and get there on time. But you know, no one really knows I'm not on time and not sure anyone really cares. I am really an unimportant cog in a giant broken wheel so there are more important cogs to fix and take care of. Used to be I would say I was happy being a big fish in a little pond. Well it is still a little pond in my opinion but I think I am no longer a big fish. I used to feel like I was in touch with what was going on but even with websites and email and FB I don't think so. As much as I hate to say it I think you need to be out and about at night. WHich being single is not something I look forward to. Anyway- late, late late- off to work.

This is interesting. I have two followers, whom I don't know. So in a way this is just a private diary. I want people to know and read and care and yet I don't. So I don't use facebook because I don't want to defriend everyone I don;t want to read this stuff. So I guess you have to share this website address with the people you want to read it and maybe weigh in on what you post.

I have lost my footing. I have lost my way. I do not know who I am where I am or where I want to go. Where I now am is not working. Something has failed; I have failed. I am not what or who I thought I was- so not doing or accomplishing what I thought I could accomplish. Where do I go from here? How do I recover from this space of nothingness and find my footing and my way again? Do I let everyone and anyone know and maybe there is an answer or a hug out there I was unaware of into my life? I was in a class tonight that asked- what inspires you. Thought one- nothing. Thought two- anger. These are not good answers. Why did I loose the answers? How do you get them back?

I have managed to go a whole weekend in a tee shirt, going nowhere but my couch, reading a trashy novel and watching soccer. And 4 cats who seem to do nothing all day but sleep. Amazing. It has been quiet and refreshing and in some ways revitalizing to do absolutely nothing. I am now prepared for 3 days - 30 hours- of administrator leadership training at the hands of my employer. Up and at work every day at 7 AM- an ungodly hour which means I am up at 5 if I shower and do my hair. And take care of the cats. And figure out what to wear. I must say it has been easier than in past summers- I seem to wake up by 5:30 without too much pain and suffering. But if I try to work out or have a meeting and don't get home til 7 and then try to get to bed by 9 for 8 hours of sleep, the day just drifts past me. And one thing I have decided is to really try to make each day count- to be conscious of that day and whatever happens in it. Which is hard to do when it is so crammed with stuff at work; and when I am a constant worrier about anything and nothing. So, that is my challenge to myself- live the day.

Oil spill in gulf- the end of the gulf as we know it. The end of thousands of sea animals and fish. Just wait till hurricanes arrive and push it all inland- then we will have contaminated land and we will never recover from the recession. Does anyone else cry daily about this disaster? Besides the fisherman from Louisiana I mean? And then once the current takes it out into the Atlantic that is the end of it all. Some have likened this to the dustbowl of the 30s. But people could escape that. Animals could escape that. And it really didn't spread. This will just continue to spread and it cannot be escaped. It will poison the waters for 100s of years.

Wow- well no one is following me so doesn't matter I haven't posted in a year! I am now moved into my condo, painted the walls the colors I wanted. Zelda died; Riley died. I adopted Sterling who got ringworm and spent 5 weeks in isolation. Adopted Rochester and Emma. Sold Rochester- he was a biter. Then I bought Georgia- 5 year old Maine Coon- and Lucy - 1 year old Maine Coon. Fighting tritrichomosis parasite infection for 3 months. Lots of poop lots of medicine still no cure. Lucy getting spayed today. Georgia gets dental work next week. Then in August or September need to spay Emma.