when you are twenty or even thirty to be pawed by someone one 0ver 40 is to be just pawed by s0me old guy. but now to be pawed by someone 60 or 70 is just a testament to how old you are; is just disgusting; is just a moment of really, am i that old, am i that past desire; am i past life as i know it and can understand it? WHen did i cross that line of what i

know and what i understand? is that what there is- being pawed by some old guy? i'm not young but when does it all connect and interconnect? do we never gain, or do we lose all sense of reality?

a friend and i went to dinner last night and as she is eating her chicken we get on the topic of meat eater v. vegitarian. I get squemish here. I eat chicken; I eat fish; on rare occasion ham; on rare occasion beef. I gave up veal because of how they treat the calfs. I gave up lamb because their face kept creeping into my mind as I ate. Do you believe the doctors who say you need protein you should eat meat your body needs it, yadda yadda? Do you believe the doctors who say no there are ways to get plenty of protein, yadda yadda. I think the first part of the argument should be how we raise and treat our food. First off- the egg recall. That is because of greed- more chickens, less space, lay more eggs, make more money. It is not because eating eggs is bad, it is not because raising chickens is bad, it is because once again humans are bad. We take the low road instead of the high road. Next, article about antibiotic use in cows, chickens and pigs. Well if you treated them right you wouldn't need to give them antibiotics! The article had a picture of tons of piglets in a tiny little cage. WHY? Greed. The farmer wants to make a lot of money. So they produce a lot of meat to sell. And then we American's consume way too much food- and more importantly- THROW AWAY THE REST. We really buy and eat all that meat produced? We really buy and eat all that fish that is over-caught? Really? Anyway, so I have my personal struggle of eating fish and chicken; I do love the taste of bacon; I eat turkey at Thanksgiving; And I eat more eggs. Can't wait to see my next cholosterol test; but I am substituting in more Greek yogurt with its high protein content. Sorry, I can't stand tofu no matter how you try to disguise it- it is tofu. I have yoga this morning- maybe I will meditate on this.

I am so glad that it is Friday. I couldn't take one more day getting up and going into work. Something about knowing it is Friday and no work tomorrow makes it possible to plaster a smile on my face and keep going. A friend asked me to do something this evening and I told thanks but no. First it was outside and I don't do anything out side in Florida in September! Never until November! Secondly the thought of having to extend the energy made me want to crawl immediately into bed. She is a good friend and I would like to see her and spend time with her but i just could not muster the strength. It has been such a horrible week.

And there I go sounding like a winer. My life compared to most is a breeze. I get that. I appreciate what I have. So there must be something seriously wrong with my chemistry and my wiring.

Must find more literature on menopause. Because right now life sucks.

How does one advocate for oneself health wise? Three years ago I had xrays and MRI that showed scoliosis and I thought, you know, that is the route of my problem. But the top back surgeon in Sarasota, who everyone raves about, was like,no you are not a candidate for surgery. And I was more focused on the scary words of bulging disc and stuff. And the scary thought of back surgery and you really don't want them to operate on your discs. Well three years later and the scoliosis is looking like the culprit. So three years of pain; three years of it getting worse; three years and it makes the surgery more difficult, more invasive, less effective. Good god what do you do when you are older than 53. You know people say 53 is young but the health maze is confounding! And it is just me- there is no one sitting in the chair beside me holding my hand or asking the questions I can't think about or saying, yes or no that is the decision. And if I have surgery how do I take care of myself, my home, my cats, my job, pay my bills? Do I just let it get worse and then hope I die before it is too bad and all my pets are dead? Can I ever fly again if I have steel rods and pins in my back?

Ah, morning is here all too early. The medication for my back really makes me tired- it used to really help, now not so much. I go back to the orthopedic surgeon today with the new MRIs to see what he says. I have multiple issues and three years ago he said no surgery. Now opinions on back surgery are mixed. For every person I meet who it helped, I meet one person who is just as bad off if not worse. But if I have multiple issues why can't we try to fix just one? Pain is 24 hours a day 7 days a week. So maybe we get it down to every other day? Seems I have scoliosis in 2 different places now. Why can't we fix that? They fix scoliosis all the time. This is supposed to be the best back surgeon in town so we shall see. Have to go get dressed to go to the office- the one place I don't want to be. At all. Which is also why it is so hard to get up in the morning and get there on time. But you know, no one really knows I'm not on time and not sure anyone really cares. I am really an unimportant cog in a giant broken wheel so there are more important cogs to fix and take care of. Used to be I would say I was happy being a big fish in a little pond. Well it is still a little pond in my opinion but I think I am no longer a big fish. I used to feel like I was in touch with what was going on but even with websites and email and FB I don't think so. As much as I hate to say it I think you need to be out and about at night. WHich being single is not something I look forward to. Anyway- late, late late- off to work.

This is interesting. I have two followers, whom I don't know. So in a way this is just a private diary. I want people to know and read and care and yet I don't. So I don't use facebook because I don't want to defriend everyone I don;t want to read this stuff. So I guess you have to share this website address with the people you want to read it and maybe weigh in on what you post.

I have lost my footing. I have lost my way. I do not know who I am where I am or where I want to go. Where I now am is not working. Something has failed; I have failed. I am not what or who I thought I was- so not doing or accomplishing what I thought I could accomplish. Where do I go from here? How do I recover from this space of nothingness and find my footing and my way again? Do I let everyone and anyone know and maybe there is an answer or a hug out there I was unaware of into my life? I was in a class tonight that asked- what inspires you. Thought one- nothing. Thought two- anger. These are not good answers. Why did I loose the answers? How do you get them back?